Don't Tell Anyone This

Since I was about 15, I've had various crushes on pop stars. In chronologic order: Bruce Springsteen, Huey Lewis, George Michael (we were both confused), David Lee Roth, Jon Bon Jovi, Peter Gabriel, Ric Ocasek, Mick Jagger (circa Steel Wheels), L.L. Cool J (circa Around the Way Girl/Mama Said Knock You Out), Johnny Sciascia (formerly of Tarbox Ramblers), etc. These are harmless infatuations which pose no threat to my current relationships (other than, of course, my credibility and self-respect). I've not really outgrown this, as the object of my current "fascination" is wide-eyed Connecticut pop songsmith John Mayer, who in the last couple years has made the big time.

One artifact of this having arrived, as it were, is HIS infatuation with the pneumatic and functionally retarded Jessica Simpson. While neither camp confirms this rumor, the two have been photographed together for months at various functions. Therapists would probably have a field day with the exploration of why this bothers me at all, let alone this much, but this is at least the part I am able to articulate:

I don't know either of them personally. I realize that part of "show business" is "show" - a persona or character that you turn on and off for the camera, etc. But over time, one starts to see a pattern in people's behaviors that indicates a tendency toward this or that. (If Jessica Simpson is secretly a genius, then she deserves an Oscar for her performance in LIFE. If John Mayer is secretly as dumb as she appears to be, then he deserves some kind of medal for patience, or the worship of silicone.)

All this sounds like the ranting of a disenchanted ugly duckling who had a bad childhood and lives vicariously through what she reads in People magazine. Maybe that's me, but I don't think so; I think it just really pisses on my cornflakes to see someone who seems to be smart, funny, and self-deprecating with someone so obviously made of Velveeta. But maybe I've made the wrong assumptions about what makes for a good couple. I assume that people seek out their intellectual equals; while physical attractiveness plays a huge role, it's not the whole picture; people seek others with similar experiences to them, but who are different enough to be interesting. These two just do not compute.

I realize this post is ridiculous.